Earth is not my Home Planet
List of Alter-egos: Francie Filthy Rich (AKA Miss Filthy), Francisco (AKA Paco) and Placenta Pudiente, Adele Helado, Stanko Stribog, Mr. Whiskers, Influenza de Medici, Mordida Fritatta, Melancholia Hypochondria, Pippi Canasta, Clementoye Rodriguez, Elmore Dureau and Luis Larvae (pronounced LarVay) who is the author of several yet to be written books Including: Mi Burro Robómi Sombrero, (My Burro Stole my Sombrero) Me Volví Loco en México, (I Went Crazy Down in Mexico), Io non ho paura di pagare il prezzo pieno (I am not afraid to pay full price / I’ll gladly pay retail), and Don’t Make me Leave the House. My newest alter ego is my first transgender, Eclair Declan, hair to Declan Wig Empire. My latest venture is the launch of my fragrance eau de dynel, which comes in 508.ml and only sold in fine wig salons and chains of car parts.
Terminal D Departures and Pizzatorium
Why does death have to be such a downer? We bring death to life and put the FUN in FUNerals
Full Funerary package includes:
One hand-painted acrylic and gold leaf portrait suitable for newspaper obit, framing, and memorial display
Obituary for newspaper, full of fun facts and fictions. Be all that you wanted to be with our team who can re-write your history the way it was meant to be
Prayer cards with painting image and meaningful prayer (all or non-denominational) Atheists welcomed.
Prayer candles also offered with image and prayer
One over the top tasteless charm wreath
Hand crafted ceramic urn, may be used as a cookie jar until needed
Fully catered specializing in, but not limited to our over the top toppings pizza in our special brick oven(sorry no outside food allowed)
Full payment due upon order, make checks out to cash. No post dated checks accepted
You may order off the menu or ala-carte (just prayer cards, etc.)
BTDT Insurance, Specializing in Alien Abduction insurance
Su problema es su problema-porque no hablo espanol
A Mom and Pop operation in business for over half an hour.
Not available in New Mexico, Arizona, Oregon, and parts of Colorado.
No food is allowed in our waiting room, only liquid assets are allowed.
Our pick area of the month: Appalachia – call us for special rates.
Our team includes, Mom and Pop, our Receptionist: LuAnne (as in plywood) “your call is important to us,” our Field Investigators: Snaps, Lil Wo, and Brake Tag, , from our Legal Department: Mr. Earl andour Adjustor, Examiner, Muscle, and Appeals Processor: Ms Congeniality
Pimp Your Last Ride
LIVE LIKE A THUG, DIE LIKE A THUG, BE BURIED LIKE A THUG.
IF THE MONKS CAN DO IT, WE CAN DO IT. WE TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN.
PIMPED COFFINS: FROM CARDBOARD TO GOLD, FROM AKA HANDLES, ORCARS SHAPED COFFINS.
ALL WE NEED IS YOUR BODY AND YOU KNOW WE WILL GET IT SOONER RATHER THAN LATER.
AFFORDABLE PRICES AND WE ALSO TAKE CARE OF YOUR HAIR, MAKE UP, CLOTHES AND BLING.
SORRY NO LAY-AWAY, HA HA HA.
Real response: “I want my coffin to look like an Escalade and have working TVs inside. Oh, and terra-cotta warrior-thugs. But dressed in FuBu and Sean John instead of them janky-lookin’ ancient Chinese dress-like shits.”
Slackers Inc Printers: You need it by yesterday, come back tomorrow
Narcissistic self-absorbent maxi and mini pads
The Helado Family
The mysterious and low-profiled Helado family is headed by Juan, AKA Senorita Juanito, Helado and his wife Adele. Their children include Renaissance aka Renee; Duan-rhymes with Juan-aka the Silent, the Passive, the Diplomat; Catherine aka The Great, The Greatest, Herself; Peggatha AKA YAG; and baby Raphael, AKA Sparky. The facts about this family are sketchy at best but we deem this little information reliable, though we know no dates and none of the information can be verified.
Juan Helado was a famous potter and story teller in an obscure village. Of mixed parentage, (a man and a woman) he often walked around in a mammy costume and handbag. He passed on his compassion and sensitivity onto Renee. They would often be found together crying, she because a bird had lost a feather and he because he found the patina of a small piece of wood beyond beautiful.
Adele had such a sharp tongue she had no taste. Juan and Herself had to do the cooking and decorating. She always embarrassed her family, by putting her sleep mask on while boarding a flight, or asking the waiter to hold the tomatoes. She loved few things with a passion, which included her family, the art of Francie Rich, and total strangers she would see on the street who smiled back at her. She dressed like a Gypsy and could hide a ham, live chicken, and 6 Chihuahuas under her dress. She loved Gypsy music. Everyone in the family was more motherly than Adele.
Renaissance was an amateur dentist and orthodontist. She would fashion her own tools from things she found in the streets. The only one who would let her near her teeth was little Raphael. Renee practiced on Sparky until she couldn’t undo the damage and had to get married to save face, both hers and Sparky’s. She had excellent posture which helped her generous heart.
Duan was the peacekeeper, to his mamma he was a pussy, but to all the others a real gentleman. When his mama was out on walks with the dogs, of which there were many, she would find Duan lying in the middle of the Jardin and his own dogs would pee pee on him. He literally would let all the girls walk on him. Duan was strappingly strong handsome but ended up with weak knees and a bad back. No one really understood his motivations but he was a visionary and revolutionary. He loved a good poodle. Viva la Don!
Catherine and her daddy would do the cooking. They both had flair. Herself specialized in the appetizers and the wine selection. They had guacamole at every meal. Every meal was an adventure. Herself ate raw corn and said as long as it was raw there were no calories. She did much of the shopping and would buy things for herself and feel guilty and give them away before she got home and that was one reason she had to be creative in the kitchen. Duan and Herself were always arranging benefits for people in need in their town and were very successful. They were the social conscience of the family.
Peggatha was a wee bit of a thing and from day one the family knew she was gay. It was written on her forehead but all she saw, when looking in the mirror, was YAG. She loved to smoke and carry a briefcase. She had business cards printed but instead of saying consultant it said consulate. Rather than reprint her cards she became a consul general. She loved to travel even as child and sit in the back seat and have Sparky drive her around.
Raphael was truly the archangel of the family being the youngest and the only in the family not to have a mustache. No one ever saw Sparky not smiling or driving, unless he was in jail. He had many friends and was fearless. After many arrests, he was way too trusting of others, he threw away his black leather, came home, and resumed driving.
There wasn’t a bad apple in the bunch until they took in a foster child. She was there for a brief time and they put her out. She was killed from a fall off her high horse. They can only remember that her named rhymed with vagina.
New information about the maternal and paternal grandparents of the Helado family. Again we don’t know if they are alive or dead but we will write it in the present tense.
Francisco (Paco) Ignacio Santiago Pudiente and his sister/wife Placenta (Placenta) Juanito Sabio Pudiente are artist savants.
Paco divides his time between painting poignantly emotive works of art, working with his Chihuahuas on their synchronized swimming routines, and trying to learn his native language, Spanish. All their dogs are bilingual and have papers; pet-degrees from the Universidad de Guadalajara. They are the real McCoyoacán and none are for sale. Placenta makes nativity scenes from chewed Chiclets she finds while walking the dogs. Both keep low profiles. There have been no sightings of them and they are represented solely by their international agent, and spiritual adviser, Mr. Whiskers.
Paco and Placenta are like the old married couple they are. They communicate in short hand and sex isn’t what it used to be. They have two children, Juan and Adele. Francisco likes eBay and Placenta likes anything that plugs in. Placenta is always hot and doesn’t like her clothes to touch her body. She wears no underwear because she gets especially hot “down there.” She suffers hormonal problems and wears several hormone patches secured with duct tape. Francisco doesn’t like overcooked pasta but loves pie, and loves saying “pie hole.”
The Pudiente’s worship Christopher Walken as the true savior and liberator of everything human. Their altar to him includes a life size portrait lit by a revolving disco ball. They burn incense and filter-less cigarettes. The aroma gives them both incredible headaches and blurred vision..
BERNARD PIVOT QUESTIONNAIRE
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD?
WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE WORD?
WHAT TURNS YOU ON?
Placenta: Paco used to
WHAT TURNS YOU OFF?
Paco: Drug lords throwing heads onto dance floors in Michoacan
Placenta: When a Chihuahua licks his butt then kisses me on the lips before I realize what’s happening
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CURSE WORD?
Paco: Shut your yammering pie hole
WHAT SOUND OR NOISE DO YOU LOVE?
Placenta: Air conditioner compressor kicking on
WHAT SOUND OR NOISE DO YOU HATE?
Paco: Personal best, Truth to power, Open concept, Existential, Mexican/Italian/Soviet, etc. charm
Placenta: Went missing
WHAT PROFESSION OTHER THAN YOUR OWN WOULD YOU LIKE TO ATTEMPT?
Paco: Renovate a villa in Tuscany
Placenta: Sales associate in the technology department of Mega
WHAT PROFESSION WOULD YOU NOT LIKE TO DO?
Paco: Nothing that entails repetitive motions
Placenta: Crack-head or tweaker
IF HEAVEN EXISTS, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR GOD SAY WHEN YOU ARRIVE AT THE PEARLY GATES?
Paco: Hola, Buenos dias Senor Pudiente have some pie
Placenta: You were way too hard on yourself